Another Ten films that should not be on the top 1000 films of all time

 There are many films that should not be on the top 1000 films of all time. Ten of them appear on my first list. Here are ten more. I'm sure I will get some heat for this list, but that doesn't change the fact tat these films are overrated and plain bad. This list is in no particular order except chronology.

Aguirre: The Wrath of God (1972)

Defenders of Aguirre may argue that director Werner Herzog was making this film on a shoestring budget, but there are plenty of low-budget films which are so good. Once comes to mind. Aguirre: the Wrath of God was tedious from the start. The characters were stupid and annoying, there was too much philosophy and too many shots of characters standing around doing nothing. Klaus Klinski also gave of the most boring lead-role performances ever.

The Goonies (1985)

I can just hear all the Gen Xers and early millennials sharpening their pitchforks in protest. For many, the Goonies was a stalwart of their childhoods.

But I found this coming-of-age drama incredibly irritating. it didn't help that I couldn't understand much of the dialogue due to the pre-pubescent child actors screaming over one another.

The adult actors weren't much better. The usually charismatic Joey Pantoliano was reduced to a cartoon villain. At least Key Huy Quan redeemed himself in Everything Everywhere All at Once.

Dances with Wolves (1990)

How on God's Green Earth did this film win the Best Picture Oscar? How did Kevin Costner win Best Director? How did it beat Goodfellas and Awakenings?

I'm sure Costner would explain it to me in the verbal exposition that made Dances with Wolves such a tedious watch. This three-hour slog could be number one on the top ten films to put you to sleep. It has been accused of white saviourism, but I don't know how anybody stayed awake long enough to make that judgement.

The Thin Red Line (1998)

If you like your war films interesting, dramatic and explosive, you best look elsewhere than Terrence Malik's World War two film.

This boring affair spent too much time philosophising and too little time actually showing the characters fighting in the war...which is the subject matter of the film.

It also wasted its great cast. From Sean Penn to Adrian Brody to Woody Harrelson to John Travolta and George Clooney, I would challenge you to name the protagonist of this confused, pretentious mess.

The Boondock Saints (1999)

Where do we start with this disaster of a film that polarised audiences and critics? Audiences loved it. Critics hated it. Guess what side I came down on?

From the over-the-top performances to the cheesy dialogue, gratuitous violence and confusing direction, this film had the feel of being shot, written and directed by a twelve-year-old boy picking up a camera for the first time. Definitely not worthy of a place on the top 1000 films of all time.

In the Mood for Love (2000)

We are going all the way to Hong Kong for this romantic drama that was lacking in suspense, tension and anything that would have made it remotely interesting. It was dull with a capital D.

There were too many characters making stupid decisions, plus too many shots of characters sitting in empty rooms not doing anything. In the Mood for Love? In the mood for an interesting film to watch.

How to Train your Dragon (March 2010)

Another film that started a franchise. But I am baffled as to how. Yes, the animation was cute enough, but that did little to make up for the predictable, tepid plot.

The supporting cast all blended into one another. And Hiccup and Astrid were two cliched, poorly-drawn characters.

Megamind (November 2010)

As I am writing this article, I am struggling to remember why I didn't like it, but that is its most damning criticism. It was not a memorable film. It wasn't even entertaining, as I could barely keep my eyes open. 

Maybe if I were a kid I would have appreciated the silly humour and Brad Pitt and Will Ferrell's lacklustre performances, but I didn't. I didn't appreciate this film either.

Despicable Me 2 (July 2013)

How the first Despicable Me got a sequel is a mystery to me. How the sequel ranked 733rd on the top 1000 films of all time is the bigger mystery.

It is as bad as its predecessor with its infantile humour and Steve Carrell's incredibly irritating voice performance. Yes, the animation was eye-popping, but, beyond that, there was nothing to appeal to anybody over the age of ten.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (November 2013)

Just like the Goonies defined the adolescence of early millennials, the Hunger Games did the same for late millennials. Except this late millennial.

Like Despicable Me 2, I'm puzzled as to how the Hunger Games got a sequel. Catching Fire is slightly better than its predecessor, but that isn't saying much.

It was mired by the same plot holes, the same tepid love-story and the same confusing action scenes. Yes, J-Law, PSH, Donald Sutherland and, especially, Woody Harrelson, gave good performances, but they were not enough to save this film. Catching Fire? Dumpster fire more like.

If I haven't given you enough reason to light your torches and sharpen your pitchforks, I wouldn't worry. There'll be another of these lists coming soon enough.

The Goonies review

Number 519 on the top 1000 films of all time is the adventure-comedy the Goonies.

The Goonies are a gang of misfits in Oregon. They are led by the asthmatic Mikey Walsh (Sean Astin) and consist of "Chunk" (Jeff Cohen,) the poison-tongued "Mouth" (Corey Feldman) and amateur gadgeteer "Data" (Jonathan Ke Huy Quan.) When they find a treasure map in their house, they set off to find it, but little do they know that the Fratelli crime family is also looking for the treasure.

This had all the hallmarks of a coming-of-age drama - a pre-teen cast, adult villains, a magical plot and lots of practical effects, but it lacked all the comedy, soul and charm of its contemporaries. Stand By Me, also starring Corey Feldman, is one that comes to mind. Even though, it was billed as a comedy it just wasn't that funny. A lot of humour seemed juvenile and billed toward a much younger audience than myself. You had Chunk doing a silly dance to gain entry to the clubhouse or literal toilet humour when a jet of water from a toilet lifts a man into the air.  

Much of the dialogue seemed very contrived and forced especially from the female characters "Andy" (Kerri Green) and Stef (Martha Plimpton.) Andy is the love interest of Mikey's older brother and Stef is her best friend. But neither girl did little more than scream or give snide comments to the boys. And many of these problems stem from Chris Columbus' script and Richard Donner's poor direction. It really seemed like the kids had little direction other than to talk over one another. I am reminded of critic Colin Greenland's assessment of the film: "The Goonies I was unable to enjoy because of a bunch of kids yelling and screaming all the way through. Not the audience, the actors." The constant screaming became tedious after a while and it made things difficult to follow.

This was a shame as there is some big acting talent in this film. Corey Feldman was great in Stand by Me and Sean Astin went onto star in the Lord of the Rings Franchise. Despite Ke Huy Quan taking a break from acting, he starred in the one of the biggest films of 2022: Everything Everywhere all at Once. 

Another big problem of this film was that the villains had no menace at all. Kiefer Sutherland made a great villain in Stand By Me, because he was scary. We see him play mailbox baseball, chicken with other road users and he even threatens our heroes with a flick knife. Conversely, the Fratelli family sing opera and squabble amongst each other. Joe Pantoliano played one of these villains, but he is also known for the traitorous Cypher in the Matrix and the slimy Ralph Cifaretto in The Sopranos. He is great in both these roles, so it was a shame his talent was squandered so much here.

But the biggest problem of this coming-of-age drama was that there was no maturation. The characters didn't grow or change at all. They start and end in the same place. It doesn't matter what genre your film is, but your characters need to progress by the end of it. That didn't happen here. The Goonies start as misfits and they end as misfits. All of the characters in Stand By Me have traumatic backstories, but their collective experience helps them to overcome this trauma. However, this wasn't the case here. Granted, the asthmatic Mikey casually throws away his inhaler at the end of the film, suggesting his condition was all in his mind, yet we didn't see enough inner conflict to justify such a decision.

If I were to compliment the film for anything it would be its great use of practical effects. I loved seeing all the imaginative and ingenious inventions from Data's cute gadgets to the Indiana Jones-esque booby traps even to the fancy contraption that allows entry to the Goonies' club house. They were all great.

It's safe to say that the Goonies was one of the biggest cult films of the eighties. But it's safer to say that I am never going to become part of this cult.