The Goonies review

Number 519 on the top 1000 films of all time is the adventure-comedy the Goonies.

The Goonies are a gang of misfits in Oregon. They are led by the asthmatic Mikey Walsh (Sean Astin) and consist of "Chunk" (Jeff Cohen,) the poison-tongued "Mouth" (Corey Feldman) and amateur gadgeteer "Data" (Jonathan Ke Huy Quan.) When they find a treasure map in their house, they set off to find it, but little do they know that the Fratelli crime family is also looking for the treasure.

This had all the hallmarks of a coming-of-age drama - a pre-teen cast, adult villains, a magical plot and lots of practical effects, but it lacked all the comedy, soul and charm of its contemporaries. Stand By Me, also starring Corey Feldman, is one that comes to mind. Even though, it was billed as a comedy it just wasn't that funny. A lot of humour seemed juvenile and billed toward a much younger audience than myself. You had Chunk doing a silly dance to gain entry to the clubhouse or literal toilet humour when a jet of water from a toilet lifts a man into the air.  

Much of the dialogue seemed very contrived and forced especially from the female characters "Andy" (Kerri Green) and Stef (Martha Plimpton.) Andy is the love interest of Mikey's older brother and Stef is her best friend. But neither girl did little more than scream or give snide comments to the boys. And many of these problems stem from Chris Columbus' script and Richard Donner's poor direction. It really seemed like the kids had little direction other than to talk over one another. I am reminded of critic Colin Greenland's assessment of the film: "The Goonies I was unable to enjoy because of a bunch of kids yelling and screaming all the way through. Not the audience, the actors." The constant screaming became tedious after a while and it made things difficult to follow.

This was a shame as there is some big acting talent in this film. Corey Feldman was great in Stand by Me and Sean Astin went onto star in the Lord of the Rings Franchise. Despite Ke Huy Quan taking a break from acting, he starred in the one of the biggest films of 2022: Everything Everywhere all at Once. 

Another big problem of this film was that the villains had no menace at all. Kiefer Sutherland made a great villain in Stand By Me, because he was scary. We see him play mailbox baseball, chicken with other road users and he even threatens our heroes with a flick knife. Conversely, the Fratelli family sing opera and squabble amongst each other. Joe Pantoliano played one of these villains, but he is also known for the traitorous Cypher in the Matrix and the slimy Ralph Cifaretto in The Sopranos. He is great in both these roles, so it was a shame his talent was squandered so much here.

But the biggest problem of this coming-of-age drama was that there was no maturation. The characters didn't grow or change at all. They start and end in the same place. It doesn't matter what genre your film is, but your characters need to progress by the end of it. That didn't happen here. The Goonies start as misfits and they end as misfits. All of the characters in Stand By Me have traumatic backstories, but their collective experience helps them to overcome this trauma. However, this wasn't the case here. Granted, the asthmatic Mikey casually throws away his inhaler at the end of the film, suggesting his condition was all in his mind, yet we didn't see enough inner conflict to justify such a decision.

If I were to compliment the film for anything it would be its great use of practical effects. I loved seeing all the imaginative and ingenious inventions from Data's cute gadgets to the Indiana Jones-esque booby traps even to the fancy contraption that allows entry to the Goonies' club house. They were all great.

It's safe to say that the Goonies was one of the biggest cult films of the eighties. But it's safer to say that I am never going to become part of this cult.