Top Ten unfunniest comedies on the top 1000 films of all time

 Since 2015, I have been VERY SLOWLY working through IMDB's 2015 edition of top 1000 films of all time. In that time, I have watched some absolutely hilarious films and some not-so-hilarious films. This list is about the latter. These are ten of the unfunniest comedies on this list. This is in no order but chronology. 

Mash (1970)

If you don't know the film Mash then surely you know the TV show. It is famed for having the most-viewed television finales in history. That means it was a critical and commercial success with everybody who watched it, right? Wrong. Christ, this was a tedious film. It featured Donald Sutherland in one of his most unappealing roles, as he Eliot Gould and Tom Skerrit played some of the jerkiest, most moronic characters in film history.

National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

This is the film that inspired this list so you know how much I despise it. This film showed the USA's strange fascination with fraternities at its absolute worst. Thus far my perception of them has been annoying, alpha-male jerks drinking and getting into trouble. This film did little to convince me otherwise. It didn't help the characters were so stupid and unlikeable - too stupid to even be funny. Never mind laughing...I don't think I smiled once.

Manhattan (1979)

You just know Woody Allen had to feature on this list. God knows how he is considered a comedy legend...his films are painfully unfunny. Manhattan was no exception least of all due to its morally dubious premise. Woody Allen plays a neurotic, middle-aged comedy writer (basically the role he plays in EVERY FILM EVER) is dating a woman twenty-five years his junior and has to constantly justify his relationship to everybody. It's creepy beyond belief. But the film's one saving grace? The black-and-white cinematography was gorgeous.

The Goonies (1985)

The Goonies has featured before in my top ten worse film list, so you already know how much I hate it. I know that it's a favourite of Gen X and early millennials, but I absolutely hated it. It failed as a comedy. What's funny about having a group of annoying, pre-teen boys screeching their way through a film? Like nails down a chalkboard. Plus the film completely wasted Joe Pantoliano.

The Sandlot (April 1993)

I hated the Sandlot for the same reasons I hated the Goonies. Except the Sandlot was worse. There weren't five annoying kids, but ten of them. They all looked the same and very quickly got on my nerves. I couldn't tell one from another and I didn't really care. There was nothing funny at all about the film except for the numerous plot holes.

Dazed and Confused (September 1993)

If a comedy film doesn't make you laugh then it's failed as a comedy, right? That was strike 1 for Dazed and Confused. Strike 2? An unlikeable cast of characters including obnoxious bullies and equally obnoxious victims. Strike 3? Nothing interesting or funny remotely happens. But this film did launch Matthew McConaughey's career so that's something I guess...

Clerks (1994)

If a film only makes you laugh twice in ninety minutes then you know it's gone wrong somewhere. In fact, I think Clerks put me to sleep more often than it made me laugh. That's a big no-no for any comedy. Why did I fall asleep? The characters were annoying, but, more importantly, the film was just plain boring.

Happiness (1998)

Happiness is marketed as a dark comedy. While it was dark, it was certainly not funny. Or maybe I'm just a snowflake. Or maybe I don't like comedies which humanise nonces or voyeurs. It was all in bad taste. And there was nothing funny seeing PSH spunk himself and using that spunk to glue pictures to the walls. It was pure repulsion.

South Park: Bigger, Better and Uncut (1999)

I've never liked the South Park TV series, so it was no surprise I also hated the film. Call me a liberal snowflake all you want, but the humour was just so juvenile and immature. Maybe if I was a ten-year-old American, I would find it funny. But I'm a thirty-year-old Brit. And it was so repetitive. How many times are we supposed to laugh at the same joke happening over and over again? 

Despicable Me (2010)

Despicable Me also featured on one of my top ten worse films list, so that probably gives you an idea of how unfunny of a film it is. It features Steve Carell giving one of his worse comedy performances ever, but, beyond that, the humour is just plain juvenile. Come on Hollywood writers. How many times are you going to do a fart joke before it stops being funny?

What comedies did I forget to include? Let me know in those comments below. If you've become really pissed off at reading this list, you aint seen nothing yet. There will be another list coming soon enough.

Top Ten War films on the top 1000 films of all time

 "When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die" - 

Jean-Paul Sarte said those immortal words that are as relevant now as they ever were. War has been a fixture of cinema stretching from All Quiet on the Western Front (1930) to the 2022 remake. No doubt it will continue to feature heavily.

This is my arbitrary list of war films that also feature on the top 1000 films of all time. For a film to qualify, it just needs to have war as its central subject. This list is in no order but chronology.

Stalag-17 (1953)

This is the oldest film on this list. William Holden plays J.J Sefton - a roguish Sergeant in a POW camp on the Danube. After a failed escape that sees many of his compatriots killed, he is suspected of being a mole.

Holden won the Best Acting Oscar for this role. It is certainly well-earned. He is definitely one reason why this film succeeds. He gave a multi-layered performance that covered both emotional and humourous notes. Plus, it is a great story of paranoia and subterfuge. There is a reason it is 202nd on the top 1000 films of all time.

Paths of Glory (1957)

I put Paths of Glory as one of my top ten Golden Oldies. It is also one of my top ten best war films, plus one of the best films by Stanley Kubrick - second only to another film that I will mention later on this list.

Coming in at number 56 on the top 1000 films of all time, Paths of Glory stars Kirk Douglas as WW1 Colonel Dax. After an assault goes wrong, three of his men are sentenced to be shot for cowardice. He fights tooth and nail to save their lives.

Kirk Douglas is absolutely terrific in this devastating morality tale. In many ways, it can be considered an anti-war film due to its damning condemnation of the poorly-misunderstood PTSD and shellshock. Explosive at times, quietly powerful at others, this was a great watch.

The Deer Hunter (1978)

If you're going to watch this film, I would recommend only watching it once. It's too heart-breaking to watch again. The Deer Hunter put Michael Cimino on the map as one of Hollywood's freshest talents. Having earned the 165th spot on the top 1000 films of all time, it is easy to see why. We witness Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken and John Savage changed by the horrors they have witnessed in the Vietnam war.

Christopher Walken won an Oscar for his most human performance ever. And before you think this film is all doom and glory, the scene where the group of friends are singing Can't Take my Eyes off you is one of the most heart-warming in cinema history.

Das Boot (1981)

Das Boot is a terrific German film about a submarine crew under attack in WW2. Intensely claustrophobic, it displays the suffocating pressure of war.

It ranks as number 70 on the top 1000 films of all time. I've watched a few German films on this list, including a couple by Fritz Lang, but Das Boot blows them all out the water. Pun very much intended. There is a reason it features on my top ten list of World Cinema films.

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

We're going back to the Vietnam war for Stanley Kubrick's best film. You heard it here first. Full Metal jacket is not only the best film about the Vietnam War, but it is also Stanley Kubrick's best film ever. It is better than A Clockwork Orange, Barry Lyndon and 2001: A Space Odyssey.

It features on my top ten films of all time. It is also number 106 on the top 1000 films of all time. There are some who would argue it is disjointed, but I think it is a darkly-comical look of how men are brainwashed into being killers. At times it is funny, at others, it is tragic, but it is always powerful. Great performances by Matthew Modine, Vincent D'onorio and the incredible R. Lee Ermey, only helped to solidify its success.

Grave of the Fireflies (1988)

This is a film I've only been brave enough to watch once. I've not been strong enough to rewatch it, so I can write a review. It is a Japanese film made by the brilliant Studio Ghibli.

What do you think when I say Studio Ghibli? Racoons? Radish spirits? Dragons? Shape-shifting racoons? Family-fun entertainment? You probably wouldn't think of this harrowing tale of a brother and sister in the twilights years of World War Two Japan.

Featuring at number 68 on the top 1000 films of all time, it contains a gorgeous original score and beautiful animation. Not only it is one of the best war films, but one of the best films ever made.

Glory (1989)

Glory is an outlier on this list, as it is one of the few that doesn't engage with neither the Vietnam War or WW1/WW2. Instead it takes place during the American Civil War, following the first black regiment in the United States Army.

Edward Zwick crafts a good film that honours a group of people who have been horrifically discriminated against. Not without its flaws, it features a talented cast including the likes of Morgan Freeman, Matthew Broderick and Denzel Washington. Washington won his first acting Oscar for his role - I would argue he was even better here than Training Day.

Where Glory shines the most is its quieter moments, such as when the black soldiers are singing together on the eve of battle. It features at number 353 on the top 1000 films of all time, but I think it should be even higher.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

This is a film that needs no introduction. It ranks at number 42 on the top 1000 films of all time - the highest of all the films mentioned on this list. It won Stephen Spielberg his Best Directing Oscar, although there are some who should say it should have won best film too.

Known best for its opening sequence depicting the storming of the beach of Normandy, so realistic it made veterans leave the cinema in shock, it also has its list of quieter, but no less powerful moments. Featuring a top cast including Tom Hanks, Matt Damon and Vin Diesel, I would argue this is one of Spielberg's best films.

Tae Guk Gi - The Brotherhood of War (2004)

Featuring at number 185 on the top 1000 films of all time, the Korean film, Tae Guk Gi does not shy away from the horrors of war. It follows two brothers during the Korean war. When the older brother goes missing, the younger one swears to bring him back home.

This is a powerful story about family. But it also shows you how much war can change a person. I would say it's one of the best Korean films I have ever watched.

Letters from Iwo Jima (2006)

Letters from Iwo Jima tells the story of a group of Japanese soldiers desperately trying to defend the island of Iwo Jima from the invading American forces during the twilight years of WW2.

Almost entirely in Japanese with a Japanese cast led by the magnificent Ken Watanabe, would it surprise you to learn that this film was directed by no less than Clint Eastwood.

You best believe it, because it's true. He's a terrific director. letters from Iwo Jima is just another feather to add to his cap. He brought great humanity to a group of soldiers who were painfully aware of the hopelessness of their situation.

Plus he also highlights an area of the Second World War that doesn't get as nearly as much attention as the war in Europe.

What's interesting is that while the critically acclaimed Letters from Iwo Jima featured at 362 on the top 1000 films of all time, its sister film, Flags of our Fathers, which tells the same story from the American perspective, received none of the same success.

This list is really just a damning condemnation of the inherently violent nature of humanity. We are a species intent on our self-destruction. Looking at all the conflict currently happening the world, I don't think that's changing any time soon.

Ten films that should not be on the top 1000 films of all time

 Since 2015, I have been watching and reviewing the top 1000 films of all time. In these nine years, I have watched many films that did not deserve a place on that coveted list. These are just ten examples. And yes, I'm going to get some heat for this, but such is life. This list is in no particular order but chronologically.

Sabrina (1954)

This rom-com from the Golden Age of Hollywood is living proof of how badly the Hollywood machine can backfire.

On paper, the film should have worked. It's directed by Billy Wilder. It stars Audrey Hepburn, Humphrey Bogart and William Holden, but it was so dull and predictable. There was next to no dramatic tension. it didn't help that Bogart lacked any chemistry with Holden or Hepburn. That was due to how they didn't get on behind the scenes.

Either way this was not a good film at all.

Manhattan (1979)

I've watched a few Woody Allen films in my time, but Manhattan is my least favourite. For one, it was not funny at all. For two, Woody Allen plays the same character that he always does - a neurotic Jewish man going through a middle-aged crisis. For three, the characters spend most of the film name-dropping philosophers like they're wannabe intellectuals. Finally, the central love-story was deeply uncomfortable.

It followed Woody Allen - playing a forty-two year old man in a relationship with the seventeen-year-old Tracey (Muriel Hemingway.) She was only sixteen at the time of filming.

Field of Dreams (1989)

Build it and he will come. Who? An insomniac looking to watch a film so boring it will put you to sleep? You'll be in luck with 'Field of Dreams.'

This dull film was severely lacking in tension or anything that made it remotely interesting to watch. It was so lacking in conflict that I could summarise the plot in a simple sentence: a man going through a mid-life crisis builds a baseball ring to solve his daddy issues.

The Bourne Identity (2002)

This film kicked off a whole franchise. How is a mystery to me. And its successors aren't much better either.

It follows Jason Bourne (Matt Damon,) a man with amnesia trying to rediscover his identity. It's funny that the Bourne Identity struggled to find its identity too. Is it an action-thriller? Not with its clear lack of memorable villains. Is it a romance? Not if the tepid love story was anything to go by.

The Bourne Identity? More like the Bourne Identiless to me.

Crash (2004)

Crash won the Best Picture Oscar for 2005. I have no idea how. It should have been nowhere near the Best Picture Oscar category. And it definitely should not have won. That honour should have gone to Brokeback Mountain. I said what I said.

Paul Haggis' clumsy and direction resulted in a contrived film that drastically over-simplified the race debate in the US. Thandie Newton and Terrence Rhodes' great performances were not enough to solve this car-crash of a film.

Running Scared (2006)

I'm still confused as to who thought this was one of the best thousand films of all time. A twelve-year-old boy? As it seemed to be written, filmed and edited by a twelve-year-old boy. You had filters from a 2000's Youtube video, Vera Farmilgia reduced to a sex object and ridiculously gratuitious violence. Not even the charismatic Paul Walker could save this disastrous film.

Michael Clayton (2007)

Michael Clayton isn't a bad film, but it certainly wasn't worthy of a place on this list. It was an underwhelming, under-developed affair severely lacking in heart. No wonder it was number 977 on the top 1000 films of all time. 

Tilda Swinton won an Oscar while George Clooney was nominated for one. But Michael Clayton was not worthy of Oscars, let alone a place on this list.

Despicable Me (June 2010)

How on God's green Earth did this film star a whole franchise? It has Steve Carell who does drama and comedy. But there was nothing funny or dramatic about his performance here. It was just annoying. And Hollywood writers take note: fart jokes are only funny once or twice, not a thousand bloody times.

The Town (September 2010)

Don't forget that Ben Affleck has won Oscars for both directing and writing. But he certainly did not win them for this generic, forgettable heist film.

The Town was an overly-simple boring affair that was not helped by Affleck's wooden performance in his lead role. Jeremy Renner in a supporting role was the only redeeming aspect of this tedious affair.

The Hunger Games (2012)

I'm going to get a lot of hate for this, but the Hunger Games made me so irrationally angry.

Firstly, the whole film is predicated on a gaping plot chasm, let alone hole. It makes no sense that Panem - a tyrannical government punishing their citizens for rebelling by forcibly entering twelve of their people into a fight to the death. But when Katniss Everdeen breaks the rules by volunteering as tribute, what do they do? They let her compete. She's broken the rules and they still let her compete.

That coupled with two-dimensional villains and underdeveloped side characters, who have meaningless death, make for an irritating film. Not even J-Law or Woody Harrelson were enough to save this damp squib.

Come at me in those comments. I don't care. These were over-rated films that are not some of the 1000 best films of all time. Did I miss any? Let me know.

Top ten World Cinema films from the top 1000 films of all time

 Since I started working through the top 1000 films of all time, I have seen the best that World Cinema has to offer. Here are my top ten best World Cinema films.

City of God

There is a reason that this film is number 21 on the top 1000 films of all time. And there is a reason that it is on my list for the ten best films of all time. It is a breath-taking piece of cinema.

Detailing the lives of two boys growing up in the slums of Rio De Janeiro, it is an absolute roller-coaster. I have seen this film multiple times and each time it has been more thrilling than the last.

Oldboy

This Korean film comes in on number 82 on the top 1000 films of all time. Plus it also features on my top ten films of all time and for good reason. It is a powerful tale of revenge based on a Japanese manga.

This thriller follows Oh Dae-Su - a man who has been mysteriously imprisoned for fifteen years. After his sudden release, he goes on a self-destructive journey to find his kidnappers. It is brimming with gorgeous Korean proverbs, stunning fight sequences and one of the biggest plot twists in film history.

Rang De Basanti (Paint it Saffron)

Yes, you've guessed it. Rang De Basanti also features on the top 1000 films of all time at 34th. It is an Indian film. Critics of Indian cinema dismiss them as overly-dramatic with shoe-horned musical numbers. Yes, that is partly true, but Rang De Basanti is far more than that.

It tells the story of Sue - an English film-maker making a documentary about some of the early leaders of the Indian independence movement. However, the lines between reality and fiction soon begin to blur. It is a magnificent story about finding your place in the world. An absolute must-see for lovers of Indian cinema.

The Hunt

Director Thomas Vinterberg creates a gripping psychological drama that shows the witch-hunt following teacher Lucas (Mads Mikklesen) after he is falsely accused of molesting one of his pupils. This Danish film show-cased Mikklesen at his best. There is a reason that he won the Best Actor award at Cannes. But the entire film is a triumph. The tension never lets up for a minute. It is Danish cinema at its best. I much preferred it to Vinterberg's earlier effort of the Celebration, which is probably why The Hunt places 124 on the top 1000 films of all time. Fifty-five places higher than Vinterberg's earlier film.

My Neighbour Totoro

I had to include Japanese cinema on this list. And while it might have made sense to include Akira Kurosawa, I instead wanted to pay respect to the genre of anime. And there is no greater producer of anime than Hayao Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli.

I was so tempted to put Grave of the Fireflies on this list, but that heart-breaking affair has featured on other lists of mine, so I want to pay homage to another Studio Ghibli great: My Neighbour Totoro, which features at 137 on the top 1000 films of all time.

It would be all too easy to dismiss as a kids' film, but it is great for all the family to watch. Sisters Sasuki and Mai have just moved into a country home with their father while their mother is sick in the hospital. The young Mai then befriends the adorable Totoro who helps her through the process. This coming-of-age story is surprisingly poignant. Plus, I just love Totoro. He is the cutest thing ever. There's a reason he has become the mascot for Studio Ghibli.

Les Intouchables (The Untouchables)

This French film is the last time I'm going to mention my list of the top ten films of all time.

Les Intouchables features at 31 on the top 1000 films of all time. It tells the story of Philippe (Francois Cluzet) a billionaire quadriplegic and his unqualified, unprofessional carer Driss (Omar Sy.) Their unlikely friendship contributes to one of the feel-good films of the century.

Les Intouchables will make you laugh. It will probably make you cry too. Plus it's what launched Omar Sy to international stardom. If you've seen him in Lupin, do yourself a favour and go back and watch. You won't regret it.

Y tu Mama Tambien

We've come to Alfonso Cuaron and Mexico. This film really surprised me. Some of its critics have dismissed it as a Mexican American Pie, due to its frank depiction of sex, but this touching coming-of-age drama is far deeper than that. It places at 641 on the top 1000 films of all time.

It follows three characters: best friends Julio (Gael Garcia Bernal) and Tenoch (Diego Luna) and older Spanish woman Luisa (Maribel Verdu) as they try to find a mythical beach.

It's a story about growing up. It's a story about change. It is under-stated, but also really sexy. You just might not want to watch it with your parents.

IP Man

Although I'm generally not a fan of wuxia/kung-fu films, I would make an exception for IP man. It tells the true-life story of IP Man (Donnie Yen) a Kung-fu master who navigates the dangers of living in Hong Kong during the occupation of Japan. IP Man places at 215 on the top 1000 films of all time.

Unlike other Wuxia films, IP Man stays grounded in the real-life. Plus the kung-fu sequences are brilliantly choregraphed. Donnie Yen also gave a charismatic performance. I wasn't as keen on the sequel, but I still think IP man is the best that the Wuxia genre has to offer.

Zwartboek (Black Book)

We're returning to Europe with this excellent Dutch film that centres on the Dutch resistance movement during World War Two. Black Book is 435th on the top 1000 films of all time.

Where director Paul Verhoeven succeeded is by highlighting the different shades of grey that comes with warfare. No matter what Hollywood says, things are never black and white. This is a fast-paced affair with twist after twist. Its film-making at its best.

Das Boot 

We remain in World-War-Two for this excellent West German film that focusses on a German submarine crew who are under attack. And that film is Das Boot. It places 70th on the top 1000 films of all time.

Tight camera angles result in a claustrophobic, suffocating affair that highlights what it would be like to be on a submarine during battle. It also does great character work especially in how it explores how war can affect men. It certainly isn't perfect, but it is still an intense affair that doesn't let up for a minute.

It was difficult to nail this list down to just ten film. And there were many films and directors that did not make the cut: Fellini, Kurosawa, Bergman, Lang etc. Have I missed any other films? Let me know in the comments below. 

Top ten films too traumatic to watch again

 There are some films that are so bad or boring that you can never face watching them again. You can see my list of those films here. But there are also some films that are so traumatic or depressing or upsetting that it's far too painful to watch them again.

Most of the films I'm about to mention feature on the top 1000 films of all time. I'm watching and reviewing them here. This list is in no particular order.

Requiem for a Dream

This is the only film on this list that I've been brave enough to watch twice. The first time was in 2016. The second time was in 2022. I went six years between the first and second watch. And that was not enough time.

Jared Leto, Marlon Wayans, Jennifer Connelly and Ellen Burstyn give brilliant performances as drug addicts in New York. Darren Aronofsky's direction offers a brutal, unflinching look into this dark world. You will not find any happy endings here especially with Ellen Burstyn's character. Her performance was heart-breaking. I would count this film as one of my favourites of all time even if it is too traumatic to watch for a third time.

This is England

British white nationalism is as pervasive and dangerous now as it was back in 1982 where This is England is set. Following a gang of skinheads, we witness a horrific look into how they can brainwash the youth with their propaganda.

But what makes this film so scary is its realism. We're not talking zombies or demonic puppets, but real humans with real hatred in their hearts. Nowhere is that more present than with Stephen Graham who was magnificent as Combo - leader of the skinhead gang. He was so terrifying that he had trouble finding work after the film. I know I will have trouble watching the film again.

Precious

This is a powerful, but stark look into family abuse. It follows Precious (Gabourney Sidibe) a young black woman who was not only raped by her father, but also psychologically abused by her mother (Mon'ique.) Do you see what I mean about it being a rough watch?

Like This is England, it shows its villains as being incredibly cruel, but also incredibly human. It's horrible to watch, but you can't also look away. Mon'ique gave an Oscar-winning performance, but Mariah Carey was also surprisingly good in a supporting role. And, of course, Gabourney Sidibe was the star of the show. 

This is a film I won't be strong enough to watch again anytime soon.

Grave of the Fireflies

When you think of Studio Ghibli, you think of the adorable Totoro or the wonderful world of Spirited Away. You don't think of this heart-breaking tale of World War Two Japan.

Seen through the eyes of sixteen-year-old Seita and his little sister Setsuko, we see how they struggle to survive amidst the twilight years of the war. It is a tragic story that ends predictably tragically, but it is no less gut-wrenching. It made me cry after all.

It is also one of my favourite films of all time, but it is one of the few Studio Ghibli films that I won't be watching over and over again.

Amores Perros

If I were to describe why I wouldn't watch this film again, I would give you one compound word: dog-fighting.

This disgusting practice is central to the film's plot. It plays out in shocking detail. As an animal and dog-lover, this was distressing to watch. It's also difficult to root for characters who willingly enter their dogs into these fights.

Thankfully, Mexican director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's later films: 21 Grams and Babel are far easier watches.

Blue Valentine

Although this film isn't traumatic in the sense of depicting violent subject matter, it is still one of the bleakest films I've ever seen.

We follow Dean (Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams) as their marriage and relationship self-destructs. Cue lots of shouting and tears and very little reason to smile while watching this film. And very little reason why I would want to watch it again.

Manchester by the Sea

Similarly to Blue Valentine, Manchester by the Sea was depression personified. It stars Casey Affleck as a man trying to move on after a house fire kills his entire family. Affleck was well-deserving of the best Actor Oscar, but the film's tragic storyline would surely win the Oscar for most depressing film ever.

The Celebration

This Danish film made for a deeply uncomfortable watch. At a birthday party for the aging patriarch of the Klingenfeldt-Hansen family, we see the whole affair descend into chaos as the whole family goes to war with each other. Cue shouting, arguments, casual racism and nasty people being nasty to each other. It's not a celebration. And there was nothing comedic about it, despite it being labelled a black-comedy. I did not enjoy watching this at all.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

This American classic was also an uncomfortable watch for similar reasons to the above. It was so just relentlessly depressing. Paul Newman and Liz Taylor star as a couple who spend the entire film yelling at each other and everybody around them.

Homophobic attitudes of the time saw the removal of a key storyline that would have added much needed meaning to all the shouting. Otherwise this was an uncomfortable watch.

Midsommer

Ari Aster's horror film is too modern to feature on the top 1000 films of all time, but I still hated watching it. Florrence Pugh stars as Dani - a young woman attempting to get over the death of her family by holidaying in Sweden with her boyfriend and friends. There they find an idyllic cult, but everything is not what it seems.

While I can respect the craft, I found this film intensely disturbing. It freaked me out and I can never watch it again. I'm sure this is just me, as I have heard others say it is boring, dull and tame compared to some other horror films. I'm sure those same people would say I'm a wimp, which would be true. But this film still made me deeply uncomfortable.

None of this is to say these films are bad, but they were either so traumatic, upsetting or disturbing that I could never watch them again. Did I miss any films? Let me know in the comments.

Top ten films that will put you to sleep

 Struggling to fall asleep? Have chronic insomnia? Forget the tablets and therapy and just put on one of these films instead. You'll be sleeping like a baby in no time.

Silly jokes asides, I know that this list will attract a fair few haters. Almost all of the films I'm going to mention feature on the top 1000 films of all time, which I am watching and reviewing here.

But I don't care if the audiences at IMDB loved these films, I found them long, bloated and so boring that I fell asleep. This list will be in no particular order.

Gone with the Wind

Some would argue that this film's depiction of race relations has not aged well. But that's not my problem. In fact, I can barely remember any of the supposedly problematic film, because it put me to sleep within the first hour, let alone the three hours that succeeded it. Did we really need a four hour about the American Civil War?

Yes, Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh were charismatic enough, if their characters were annoying. Yes, Hattie Mcdaniels was the first black actor to win an Oscar, although due to the segregation laws at the time, she wasn't allowed to attend the ceremony, but this film was still so boring.

Come at me. Call me a philistine. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Lawrence of Arabia

If David Lean was best-remembered for directing anything, it's overly-long, drawn-out epics. Doctor Zhivago was a close second, but the four-hour Lawrence of Arabia won out. Yes you heard that correctly. Four hours of nothing happening. Oh sorry. No, the characters talk on occasion. And there's also a million master shots of the sand dunes. I get it. It's in the desert. I don't need to be reminded of it again and again. Okay, the original score was very good, but if you were listening to it for four hours, you would be sick of it too.

Dances with Wolves

How this film won Best Picture Oscar, as well as Best Director for Kevin Costner is one of the most baffling decisions up there with Crash winning Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain.

The 3-hour slog that is Dances with Wolves is completely devoid of conflict, tension and anything that would make it remotely interesting. There are some who accuse it of a white saviour narrative. I don't know how you stayed awake long enough to make that assessment. Costner's wooden performance and exposition-heavy narration did nothing to help things either. Dances with Wolves? More like dancing in my dreams.

Ben-Hur

But James! Ben-Hur won eleven Oscars! It has to be one of the best films ever made. That might be true. It's also one of the most boring films ever made. Excluding the overture, intermission and entr'acte, the film is over 210 minutes long. With all the above? It's probably four bloody hours. Certainly long enough to put you to sleep. In fact, you could fall asleep, wake up and the film wouldn't even be halfway through yet.

Because if a film has to have an intermission then it's too damn long. Yes, the chariot scene is exciting, but it was the only exciting part of this majorly tedious affair.

All the President's Men

Although I liked this film when I first saw it, my mind has changed over time. The dramatisation of the two journalists who reported on the Watergate Scandal is a complicated, convoluted and hard-going affair with a lot of characters to keep track off.

Yes, Dustin Hoffman and Paul Newman give charismatic performances, but they spend much of the film either on their typewriters, speaking on the phone or having mysterious conversations in shadowy car parks. It hardly makes for the most entertaining of cinema.

8 1/2

And we have come to the world of Italian cinema with Federico Fellini: one of the most famous Italian film directors of all time.

8 1/2 is one of his most famous films and also one of his most boring. He isn't even a bad director; La Strada was a good film, and while, La Dolce Vita had annoying characters, at least it didn't put me to sleep.

As 8 1/2 focusses on a creatively-stifled film-maker trying to direct a science-fiction film, I think it would only appeal to hard-core cinephiles. I am not one of those, hence why I found this film boring.

Avatar

I initially watched this film over ten years ago and have never been brave enough to watch it again, hence why I haven't reviewed it.

 But if I had, I would have said that if James Cameron had put as much effort into the script, story and characters, as he had the visual effects, he could have made another brilliant film. Instead, he had a visually stunning film with a cliched storyline and forgettable characters.

Youtuber Jacksfilms challenged people to name a single character from Avatar and very few people could.

I almost stopped watching Avatar halfway through, and I really wish I had.

Lincoln

I'm going to come out and say it. Daniel Day-Lewis didn't deserve his third acting Oscar win for this film. His portrayal of Abraham Lincoln was nothing compared to Daniel Plainview in There Will be Blood.

But while the Academy might love a biopic period drama, I don't. This was a convoluted, hard-going affair filled to the brim with character after character. Most of which don't need to be there.

Solaris (2002)

This film is only one hundred minutes long, so you think it would be an east watch, but it is actually dull as dishwater.

There is far too much slow-motion. Too many montages set to cheesy music. I actually fell asleep and missed the last hour of this film. Upon rewatching, I realised I hadn't missed a thing. There is probably a reason why the original Solaris was featured on the top 1000 film list, but this American remake wasn't.

Stalker

You will need a keen mine to understand this Soviet science-fiction film. If you don't, you will struggle in understanding its esoteric ideas, as I did.

There isn't much happening in the way of action, or at all, with much of the film taking place through philosophical debates between the different characters. Tedious stuff.

So, next time, you're struggling to get to sleep, instead of reaching for your phone, put on one of these films instead. You will never have trouble sleeping again.

True Romance review

 Number 344 on the top 1000 films of all time is Tony Scott's romantic crime drama True Romance.

I am watching this film out of order as I recently saw it in the roof-top cinema in Peckham, South London.

Penned by Quentin Tarantino, True Romance tells the romance of Clarence and Alabama. Clarence (Christian Slater,) a comic book store worker is unknowingly set up with call girl Alabama (Patricia Arquette.) A whirlwind romance and shotgun marriage later. Clarence confronts Alabama's pimp, Drexel (Gary Oldman) and unwittingly steals 500k of Drexel's coke. However, the coke actually belong to the mob. And they want it back. Val Kilmer, Christopher Walken, Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson and James Gandolfini round out the supporting cast.

    Released in 1993, this was one of Tarantino's earliest ventures and, arguably, one of his most original. I've been critical of Tarantino's latest film - Once Upon a Time in Hollywood for being more of a homage than an actual movie - a similar criticism I also reserved for Kill Bill Volume 1. Yet that wasn't the case here. A quick pace and plenty of plot twists keep this film hurtling toward its thrilling conclusion.

    One such plot twist is Samuel L' Jackson's quick demise. Upon meeting Drexel, he mocks him relentlessly before Drexel blows him away. Plus a pre-Soprano James Gandolfini was utterly menacing as mobster Virgil. Sure you could argue that the fight scene with Alabama burdened on the ridiculous, but it was also great to see such a brilliant performance from Gandolfini.

Tarantino and Tony Scott also paced this film well. There aren't any too many dialogue scenes and there are plenty of comedic scenes the keep the content light. most of these were due to Brad Pitt's character of stoner Floyd. Reportedly, he improvised most of his dialogue which worked to great effect. Especially when he is interrogated by the ominous Gandolfini.

   This film climaxes in classic Tarantino fashion. Clarence meets a hot-shot movie exec to offload the coke in the hopes of fleeing the country with Alabama. However, the dead broker has flipped and is wearing a wire. On top of that, the mobsters have tracked down Clarence. Cue a massive shootout between the cops, the mobsters and the exec's security guards. Cue blood, bullets and everybody dying except for our heroes Clarence and Alabama. Although Clarence does dance with death for a second.

Reportedly Tarantino originally wanted to kill Clarence but Tony Scott convinced him otherwise. I think that's the better decision. The film is called True Romance and in a very twisted way it is a romance - the two loves Clarence and Alabama will do anything for each other - even kill. Seeing them walk into the sunset was more effective than seeing Alabama cry over Clarence's gravestone.

Again you can argue that the violent conclusion is gratuitous which is is. But by the same admission, it's also classic Tarantino. if you're not into that then you shouldn't be watching a Tarantino film. Especially this one. But if you want to watch Tarantino at his best, True Romance is the film for you.