Top ten films that will put you to sleep

 Struggling to fall asleep? Have chronic insomnia? Forget the tablets and therapy and just put on one of these films instead. You'll be sleeping like a baby in no time.

Silly jokes asides, I know that this list will attract a fair few haters. Almost all of the films I'm going to mention feature on the top 1000 films of all time, which I am watching and reviewing here.

But I don't care if the audiences at IMDB loved these films, I found them long, bloated and so boring that I fell asleep. This list will be in no particular order.

Gone with the Wind

Some would argue that this film's depiction of race relations has not aged well. But that's not my problem. In fact, I can barely remember any of the supposedly problematic film, because it put me to sleep within the first hour, let alone the three hours that succeeded it. Did we really need a four hour about the American Civil War?

Yes, Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh were charismatic enough, if their characters were annoying. Yes, Hattie Mcdaniels was the first black actor to win an Oscar, although due to the segregation laws at the time, she wasn't allowed to attend the ceremony, but this film was still so boring.

Come at me. Call me a philistine. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Lawrence of Arabia

If David Lean was best-remembered for directing anything, it's overly-long, drawn-out epics. Doctor Zhivago was a close second, but the four-hour Lawrence of Arabia won out. Yes you heard that correctly. Four hours of nothing happening. Oh sorry. No, the characters talk on occasion. And there's also a million master shots of the sand dunes. I get it. It's in the desert. I don't need to be reminded of it again and again. Okay, the original score was very good, but if you were listening to it for four hours, you would be sick of it too.

Dances with Wolves

How this film won Best Picture Oscar, as well as Best Director for Kevin Costner is one of the most baffling decisions up there with Crash winning Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain.

The 3-hour slog that is Dances with Wolves is completely devoid of conflict, tension and anything that would make it remotely interesting. There are some who accuse it of a white saviour narrative. I don't know how you stayed awake long enough to make that assessment. Costner's wooden performance and exposition-heavy narration did nothing to help things either. Dances with Wolves? More like dancing in my dreams.

Ben-Hur

But James! Ben-Hur won eleven Oscars! It has to be one of the best films ever made. That might be true. It's also one of the most boring films ever made. Excluding the overture, intermission and entr'acte, the film is over 210 minutes long. With all the above? It's probably four bloody hours. Certainly long enough to put you to sleep. In fact, you could fall asleep, wake up and the film wouldn't even be halfway through yet.

Because if a film has to have an intermission then it's too damn long. Yes, the chariot scene is exciting, but it was the only exciting part of this majorly tedious affair.

All the President's Men

Although I liked this film when I first saw it, my mind has changed over time. The dramatisation of the two journalists who reported on the Watergate Scandal is a complicated, convoluted and hard-going affair with a lot of characters to keep track off.

Yes, Dustin Hoffman and Paul Newman give charismatic performances, but they spend much of the film either on their typewriters, speaking on the phone or having mysterious conversations in shadowy car parks. It hardly makes for the most entertaining of cinema.

8 1/2

And we have come to the world of Italian cinema with Federico Fellini: one of the most famous Italian film directors of all time.

8 1/2 is one of his most famous films and also one of his most boring. He isn't even a bad director; La Strada was a good film, and while, La Dolce Vita had annoying characters, at least it didn't put me to sleep.

As 8 1/2 focusses on a creatively-stifled film-maker trying to direct a science-fiction film, I think it would only appeal to hard-core cinephiles. I am not one of those, hence why I found this film boring.

Avatar

I initially watched this film over ten years ago and have never been brave enough to watch it again, hence why I haven't reviewed it.

 But if I had, I would have said that if James Cameron had put as much effort into the script, story and characters, as he had the visual effects, he could have made another brilliant film. Instead, he had a visually stunning film with a cliched storyline and forgettable characters.

Youtuber Jacksfilms challenged people to name a single character from Avatar and very few people could.

I almost stopped watching Avatar halfway through, and I really wish I had.

Lincoln

I'm going to come out and say it. Daniel Day-Lewis didn't deserve his third acting Oscar win for this film. His portrayal of Abraham Lincoln was nothing compared to Daniel Plainview in There Will be Blood.

But while the Academy might love a biopic period drama, I don't. This was a convoluted, hard-going affair filled to the brim with character after character. Most of which don't need to be there.

Solaris (2002)

This film is only one hundred minutes long, so you think it would be an east watch, but it is actually dull as dishwater.

There is far too much slow-motion. Too many montages set to cheesy music. I actually fell asleep and missed the last hour of this film. Upon rewatching, I realised I hadn't missed a thing. There is probably a reason why the original Solaris was featured on the top 1000 film list, but this American remake wasn't.

Stalker

You will need a keen mine to understand this Soviet science-fiction film. If you don't, you will struggle in understanding its esoteric ideas, as I did.

There isn't much happening in the way of action, or at all, with much of the film taking place through philosophical debates between the different characters. Tedious stuff.

So, next time, you're struggling to get to sleep, instead of reaching for your phone, put on one of these films instead. You will never have trouble sleeping again.

La Dolce Vita review

 Number 212 on the top 1000 films of all time is Federico Fellini's 'La Dolce Vita.'

Marcello Rubini (Marcello Mastroianni) is a tabloid journalist who is going through a mid-life crisis. To rediscover his passion in life, he spends seven days and nights journeying through Rome.

This is my third Fellini film after 8 1/2 and La Strada and I was really hoping it would be closer to the latter than the former. But alas it was not to be. Just like 8 1/2, La Dolce Vita was slow, boring and surreal. It reminds me of Modernist literature where nothing happens in the real world. Everything plays out in the character's minds. And there's nothing inherently wrong in having films that are effectively character studies, but you need to have interesting and likeable characters. Similarly, to the Great Gatsby, La Dolce Vita is populated by rich people having existential moments. These are people I'm never going to relate to or care about. You can only imagine my horror at realising that I have to watch these characters for three bloody hours.

And that is especially true of the arrogant and unlikeable Marcello who very much has a meltdown at film's conclusion. All of the movie's themes culminate in the surrealist and most vulgar way. Marcello and his friends break into a beach house. Marcello becomes drunk and tries inciting the partygoers into having an orgy. He then has a young woman crawling on her knees and starts to ride her before covering her in alcohol, ripping a pillow and sticking feathers to her. And he only does this out of spite as the partygoers refused to agree to his demands. Yet the young woman is fine with it? And nobody else reacts to this. It's just so weird.

You get surrealism and then you get Fellini. He is on a whole other level. Let me tell you, I did not have a good life while watching this film.

La Strada review

 Number 184 on the top 1000 films of all time is Fellini's drama: La Strada.

Gelsomina (Giuletta Masina) is a young woman from a poor family. When her sister Rosa, and wife to travelling strong man Zampono (Anthony Quinn) dies, Zampono returns to buy Gelsomina as his new wife. However, Gelsomina finds herself attracted to fellow circus performer Il Matto, (Richard Baseheart.)

Compared to 8 1/2, I much preferred La Strada for one clear reason: its simplicity. There was no surrealism, dream sequences or introspective monologues. Only a love triangle between three tragic characters and you don't get anymore tragic than Gelsomina, Zampono and Il Matto.

Firstly, you have Gelsomina who is a victim of circumstance. After her Rosa dies, Gelsomina is sold to Zambono as his new wife. The brutish Zambono derides and humiliates her by coercing her into becoming part of his act. He is also cruel, intimidating and regularly forces himself onto her. But worst of all, he derives her of her true love - the high-wire artist Il Matto. A rivalrly between the two men ends tragically when Zambono murders Il Matto. A despondent Gelsomina falls into despair until Zambono abandons her on the road or the street, if you will. It revealed that she later died from a broken heart.

As for Zambono, while he is an animal, you wander if this is only a facade. As a travelling strongman, he lives a lonely existence. The only way he can get through the day is by putting on a front. And despite everything, I think he really cared for Gelsomina. After he finds out she's died, he breaks down in tears on a beach. To be honest, I thought he was going to walk into the sea.

Finally, we come to the high-wire artist Il Matto who is part of the circus that Gelsomina and Zambono join. Il Matto and Gelsomina develop a connection, leading to a bitter rivalry between Il Matto and Zambono with the former always playing pranks on the latter - this eventually ends up in both of them being fired and Zambono later killing Il Matto. 

If I were to criticise the film for everything it would be the dubbing. I understand that it was standard practice for Italian films to be recorded without sound and dubbed later on, but I don't understand why. Quinn and Baseheart were both speaking English when they were being filmed, so the dubbed Italian looks so obviously fake. That notwithstanding, I'm just glad to have overcome the art-film bump in the road.

8 1/2 Review

Number 181 on the top 1000 films of all time is Fellini's 1963 surrealist, comedy-drama 8 1/2.

Guido Anselmi (Marcello Mastrioianni) is a famous Italian film director who experiences a creative block when directing his latest science fiction film. To overcome this block, he revisits pivotal points and relationships in his life.

Much like any of Ingmar Bergman's film, 8 1/2 is a film that can only be enjoyed if you're a diehard cinophile. I know that I'm doing a challenge to watch the top 1000 films of all time, but I am not a diehard cinophile. I'm not that deep when it comes to films. There's stuff I like and stuff I don't. And 8 1/2 wasn't something I particularly liked or could follow. Films like these are usually surreal - to the point of frustration, and I don't have the patience to wade through the many dream sequences or worse have to figure out what's a dream and what's reality.

Films about films like Tarantino's Once Upon a Time in Hollywood have an air of superiority. They're not so much a reference to what came before, but an ego trip for directors proving how much of a film buff they are. Granted being made almost sixty hours before OUATIH, 8 1/2 didn't have the same air of superiority, but it did feel like Fellini was dangling ideas over my head that I'm not intelligent enough to know they're even there.

But like I say, I'm not a cinophile and probably not intelligent enough to even begin interpreting this film. One IMDB reviewer noted you have to watch the film a few times to understand it. I probably won't be doing that anytime soon unless I have trouble getting to sleep.