Crimes and Misdemeanours review

 Number 278 on the top 1000 films of all time is Woody Allen's 1989 comedy-drama Crimes and Misdemeanours.

Crimes and Misdemeanours follows two characters. The first is the ophthalmologist Judah Rosenthal (Martin Landau) whose marriage is threatened when his mistress Dolores (Angelica Huston) threatens to tell his wife about their affair. The second character is the married TV producer Clifford Stern (Woody Allen) who falls in love with his fellow producer Halley Reed (Mia Farrow),

If it bends, it’s funny.

If it breaks, it is not.”

 

This film must have been broken, because I didn’t find it funny in the slightest. I can’t think of one occasion where I even cracked a smile. It wasn’t like there were jokes that fell flat, there was barely any jokes at all. Just annoying characters and faux-philosophy.

I’ve never hidden the fact that I don’t like Woody Allen, as a writer, director or actor. He always plays the same character of the middle-aged Jewish, neurotic writer going through a midlife crisis. That would be fine if his characters were likeable, but they’re not. They’re whiny and irritating. Clifford was no exception.

He was absolutely insufferable, as the pathetic film writer trying to rationalise having an affair on his affair. Note how I said pathetic, not pititful – he deserved no pity whatsoever.

He was a bland, unengaging character. I felt no reason to care or root for his romance with Halley Reed at all. I can say the same for Judah. He was similarly pathetic in his desperate attempts to keep his mistress away from his wife. If anything, he was worse than Clifford, because at least the latter had some gumption. Judah was very much ready to roll over and die.

Clifford spends a lot of his time taking his niece to see classic Hollywood films in the cinema – we would often see these films play on the screen too. I found this a peculiar choice. It was like I was watching more of these films than I was Crimes and Misdemeanours. And those films were highly more interesting.

Would it be going too far to say that even making this film was a crime and misdemeanour? Perhaps. But it was a tiresome film with two of the most annoying protagonists ever.