Friday 5 June 2015

The Friendzone



This article is all about the slippery little topic known as the “friendzone.” What I imagine is one of the most talked-about, controversial and annoying issues in history.  Firstly, I would like to preface this article by saying that I have never knowingly been put into the friendzone- every time that I’ve been rejected, I actually haven’t stayed friends with my rejector, so I don’t have any first-hand experience with the infamous friendzone.  But I do still have opinions about it based on what I’ve heard.  

Now if you’re a girl who’s rejected a guy, then I’m sure you’ve heard, at least once in your life, “I can’t believe she put me in the friendzone,” or “nice guys finish last” or “girls only like bad guys.” Hearing stuff like this just irritates me and I’m going to expose all of the myths concerning the friendzone for what they really are: unsubstantiated, socially constructed bullshit.  Now, whilst I acknowledge that the friendzone is a real concept, it certainly isn’t something to get your panties in a twist over.

Firstly, we’ll start with one of the most common myths relating to the friendzone: “she rejected me, because I’m too nice.” Before we get into this ‘too nice’ crap, let’s explore some other reasons she might have turned you down.  She likes somebody else.  She’s never thought of you in that way or shock-horror she doesn’t like you!!!!!!!!! Too many guys think girls are contractually obliged to date every single guy who asks them, when they’re under no such obligation.  I mean guys, do you give every single girl who’s liked you a chance? I doubt it.  I sure as shit haven’t, because guys, just the same as girls are under no moral obligation to date every single girl that likes them.  Guys, just like girls, have every right to friendzone people.  Oh wait, James? What’s that? Girls can be friendzoned too? You’re goddamn right they can.  The only difference is that girls don't whine about it.

Now it’s no secret that girls are attracted to confident men.  And by confident, I mean men who are assertive, independent, persistent, determined; men who know how to have fun and how to blow off steam, not some little punkass puny crybaby who’s too scared to take a risk with the girl they like.  Think of Back to the Future, for example.  Marty’s father only wins over his mother, when he finally confronts his fears and insecurities and gives Biff what’s coming to him.  People of both genders are attracted to people who are confident and secure within themselves, not nervous, insecure wrecks who love to whine about things.  People who know who they are and are comfortable in their own skins.  People who take initiative and try to change things, not people who constantly complain about their situations and what put them there.  After all, everyone loves a rags to riches story.  Celebrities like Robert Downey JR. are adored for overcoming the challenges in their lives, rather than whining about them.  So remember guys, when girls reject you for being too nice, this isn’t an excuse for you to start complaining, but a reason to begin changing the things that you don’t like about yourself. 

Nice guys finish last.  It’s actually true and the reasons for it are very logical.  Confident “bad guys” finish first, because they’re not afraid to go for what they want.  It’s another reason why girls friendzone guys.  Unless you have a limitless amount of patience, chances are you’ll grow tired of waiting for something that might never happen.  We live in a society where we can buy virtually anything at the click of the mouse and therefore an attitude of instant gratification has arisen.  We no longer want to wait for rewards, but rather we want them instantly.  Furthermore, “nice guys” who label themselves as such, aren’t really that nice.  Rather they’re egotistical jerks who expect to be rewarded for being nice.  Whatever happened to kindness is its own reward or the code of chivalry, even if the majority of it actually focused on knights only fighting other knights and serving their king and country above all.  If you always expect yourself to be rewarded for being nice, then this just makes you needy and desperate and therefore unattractive.  You’re the equivalent of a cute little puppy following a girl around: cute and cuddly for sure, but not someone who emanates confidence and security.

Thirdly, girls only date bad guys.  What a load of crap.  If you think girls only date brainless douchebag quarterbacks or organised criminals, then you’ve been watching too many movies.  As I said before, girls like confident guys who are assertive and aren’t afraid to chase their dreams.  These only seem to be the “bad guys,” because these guys don’t care about what others think of them nor are they trying to live up to other people’s expectations; they have their minds set on one thing and nothing is going to stop them from achieving it.  It makes perfect sense for a girl to be attracted to a guy like this.  Hell, I would be attracted to a guy like this.  This does not mean that ALL girls like bad guys.  Rather they like the confidence, the assertiveness and the security that these “bad guys” emanate.  And of course, the same goes for guys.  In season 3 of the Sopranos, Tony Soprano justifies his attraction to his new goohmah Gloria by arguing that she, unlike her immature younger predecessor, has actually struggled in life and has overcome challenges rather than just being a little spoilt brat throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.

So, in summary, if you think you have a chance with a girl then go for it.  I’ve seen so many situations where guys wait too long to make a move and get friendzoned because of it.  My advice is strike whilst the hammer’s hot; if you think there’s a spark then act on it.  Don’t wait around.  Don’t wait until she forgets you or until the relationship stagnates.  Just do it.  And if it doesn’t work out, then who cares? Instead of wallowing in self-pity and whining, pick yourself up and move on.  If you end up in the friendzone, you put yourself there and it’s up to you to get yourself out.  Don't just whine about it like a little bitch; grow a dick and a pair of fucking balls and actively work to ensure you're never put in the friendzone again.  Hell, some girls might find this resolution and determination attractive.  After all, if you don’t have the balls to risk everything for the girl you like, do you really deserve to have her?

7 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. First of all, I am guilty of having the friendzone syndrome. I mean, I don't know but when I meet someone, especially if it's a guy, I kind of automatically sort them out like, "yup he's definitely in my friendzone or he's my kind of guy, I can put him in my dating zone" and once I've given the verdict, I'm kinda weirded out with the thought of dating those guy friends of mine that I've already put exclusively in the friendzone. Now, about the overrated "Girls only go for bad guys and nice guys finish last" you couldn't have put it any other way. I mean, come on! Women in some psychological way, like men, are thrilled with the thought of chasing and conquering the elusive ones. And as what you've said, we are attracted to confident, strong, and manly men. Literature can somehow be blamed for that but you know what? I used to believe in destiny and soulmates and princes too, and maybe I still do, but I've also learned that if I was rapunzel, I would just use my bloody long hair to bail myself out. I mean, must we wait for a push to turn into shove? Guys! If you like a girl, court her, don't ask for permission because if you do, they'd downright turn you down, cold and flat right in the face and you'll lose your chance before you had any. Being a nice guy's quite admirable, but a scrawny, little coward's not! So get your puny,lame, apple bums out there and kiss the girl!!! (That was quite a rant. I got carried away, sorry.) Haha

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    1. You couldn't have said it any better Lerisa. Be assertive and make a move on your girl before she has a chance to friendzone you. Fortune favours the bold.

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  3. You know me well when you say that this is an article which I might be interested in. The "Friendzone" as it is called, is something which can irritate me when it is constantly used in a negative term towards some people, usually girls, when someone is unhappy with the level of relationship. One thing which really annoys me is when, in my experience, guys constantly say that "girls only like bad guys." First off, I'm a girl, and there's no way that I go out looking for a "bad boy" in order to date them. Give me a nice guy, who's caring and willing to be in a relationship anytime. However, I hate it when guys mix this up with a girl who simply just doesn't share the same feelings. I have a guy friend who everyone terms "friendzoned", but contrary to belief, it's not because I simply decided that what I was going to label him. I, personally, just don't feel that spark with him that you need for a relationship. Does that make me a bad person?
    I do disagree with you slightly on your point about nice guys though. I don't think every girl enjoys the thrill of the chase the same amount. It definitely is great if a guy is confident in himself, but we have to remember that not all girls are confident in themselves, so we can't expect every guy to be either. I think if a guy is too full-on in the beginning it can be a bit much; sometimes you need the slow, slightly awkward phase in order to move on into better ones.

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    1. Mmm, I can see your point, Catherine. I guess to some extent guys need to find the balance between being too much of a bad guy and too much of a nice guy.

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  4. Nice article James! Like you said, it's true that guys seem to always claim to have been "friendzone" when they believe they've done everything in their power to get a girl but yet she's still rejected them. Just because a guy is nice to a girl, it doesn't mean that she should be expected to be deeply flattered and automatically fall in love with him. Of course, it doesn't mean that she doesn't appreciate him being caring, kind, etc but a relationship shouldn't be expected. What we should have a problem with instead is if a girl rejects a guy on the basis that she doesn't want to "ruin the friendship", instead of just being honest and telling the guy she doesn't like him. Surely the best relationships develop from good friendships? I think the example that I just gave is the true definition of the friendzone as the girl has wished to remain in a friendship instead of progressing to a relationship. So I think people really need to stop getting it twisted and thinking that rejection = friendzone.
    However, I can't really talk from experience as I've never had the opportunity to friendzone a guy. Anytime I've rejected a guy, they've been an acquaintance who rarely talks to me but thought they'd take a chance without getting to know me first. Because personality is important, I think that I have the potential to be attracted to quite a lot of people if they play their cards right, even if we have already been friends for a while.
    Also, I agree with you when you said that guys need to find a balance between being too much of a bad guy and too much of a nice guy...but I think if given a choice, I'd pick someone who was more of a nice guy. Not the pathetic ones who feel sorry for themselves and believe the girl owes them a relationship for their troubles, but a truly nice guy who doesn't operate with that stupid mindset.

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    1. Mmm, fair comment Kally. I agree with what you said. There is absolutely no reason for a boy to expect a girl to fall in love with him, just because he's being nice to her. People like these are just the worse kinds of people. But, I guess that's true. Best relationships can develop from good friendships, but not always, and from a mutual interest from both parties.

      Well, I've never been friendzoned by a girl, so I can't talk from experience either. But yeah, it is very important to strike a balance between being "too nice" and "too bad." You can't be nervous and insecure in yourself, but also you shouldn't be too arrogant and up yourself either.

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